One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
You Might Also Like
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Cake!!
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.