While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
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Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Taking phone security to the next level.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.