Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
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*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
me: my friends:
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨