FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
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Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me