Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
You Might Also Like
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.