Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
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My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.