How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
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A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser