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Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Okey dokey.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.