I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
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Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
May never get over this
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
This guy gets it.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook