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If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys