Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
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*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up