Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
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Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
those birds must be on payroll
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic