I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!