13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
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“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
The honesty is refreshing
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
He-man has a Masters degree
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.