My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
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When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
When can I start eating bats again.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I’m not stressed
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.