Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
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Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
mom gave me mine for free
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Still cracks me up
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.