We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
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Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
look at me when i’m typing to you
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done