Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
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Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Smile they said.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!