Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
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Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?