boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
You Might Also Like
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Twitter fine art
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you