jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
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Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
subtitles are so good nowadays
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[shakes fist at other fist]
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?