The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
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My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Good morning, Twitter 😊
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?