ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
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Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over