I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
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My safe word is now just a dry cough.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
The options really are this bad
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.