can’t catch a break
You Might Also Like
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
not to brag, but mine was free
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.