Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
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People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
some Old Testament wisdom
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
how to market bottled water to dads
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?