*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
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I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I’m going to need a moment here.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
my dad when a sex scene comes on
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Worth remembering.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.