THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
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Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney