*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
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I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.