Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
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St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.