You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
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Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.