“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
You Might Also Like
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else