I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
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A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.