My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
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i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
My life coach traded me.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Sounds like a bargain
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I’m giving up ice.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT