My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
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what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
the best thing i’ve ever made
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.