Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
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*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.