BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
You Might Also Like
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Boating season is upon us.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!