I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
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My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!