Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
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coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Bread puns are on the rise!
Lube but for my dry humor.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.