Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
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i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.