I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
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Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying