Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
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I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.