[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
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Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.