me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
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The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Finally! 😈
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.