You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
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God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”