mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
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What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.