I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
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[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.