Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
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SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
cry laughing at this shit
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid