*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
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Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I think the cat got the dog high.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”