*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
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i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
A friend sent me this.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.